two steps forward & three steps back.

i try to mostly write about happy things here, but i also use this blog to document my life. and this is a pretty big part of it. so even though it's kind of a downer thing, i thought i should include it anyway.

it's been a hell of a week.

it's hard to give very much information without having to get into the whole story but i'll do my best.

as i mentioned, i had a procedure done last friday to correct some health issues that i've been dealing with for about 10 years. our insurance didn't cover the procedure so it took a long time for me to decide whether or not it was worth paying out-of-pocket for, but after lots of appointments and counseling with different medical professionals, we, as a family, decided that we could come up with the money and it was the right choice.

unfortunately, we were wrong. my body responded negatively to the procedure and i ended up being in excruciating pain for the week afterwards. none of the medicine they gave me would help, but i kept insisting that i wanted to give the procedure a fair chance to work - this was one of our last options and if it was going to fix the problem, the pain was worth it. but finally, on wednesday, i couldn't take it anymore, and we went to the ER.

while at the hospital we found out that my primary care doctor had neglected to tell me that i'm severely anemic, which apparently, he discovered back in april. they also ran a bunch of other tests, gave me some amaaaaaazing medicine (i never would have thought i'd WANT shots in both of my hips but holy moly they were magical) and we heard a lot of things like:  'i'm not really sure,' 'i've never seen this before,' 'this is a special case,' etc.

after two more terrible, sleepless nights, i made the really difficult decision to have friday's procedure reversed. along with the additional physical pain, it was really emotional and frustrating because i'm pretty much out of options now. i also feel guilty that we spent so much money on something that didn't end up working. i'm feeling a little bit better physically (it's an extremely slow recovery process. way slower than i expected) but staying encouraged and positive is the hardest part now. i'm pretty heartbroken.

thankfully, i have some amazing people in my life. my mom has been wonderful - driving me to the hospital and back (almost daily), making sure i eat (even pasta today! i'm finally hungry for real food!), setting her alarm to wake me up and give me my medicine every 4 hours at night. weston has been coming over every day, keeping track of my pills, giving me big hugs when i cry, researching every new medication and surgery that the doctors mention, and he won't leave at night until he knows i feel well enough to fall asleep. my dad comes up and checks on me constantly, calls new specialists and doctors, is the official waiting-room-prayer-leader, and keeps me laughing. my brother keeps me updated on life outside of my room, flowers from steph and stina, several visits from sami, all the daily texts, phone calls, and e-mails... i am overwhelmed with love.

it's still really tough,
but these things really do make the whole process a little easier.

so thanks again.