Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Nerves.





My surgery is tomorrow.

I had been feeling pretty certain about it until my pre-op, during which my doctor was kind of brutally honest about what to expect afterwards. Namely, lots of pain and little chance of long-term (or short-term) relief. While her words made me ache in a way that only complete honesty can, somewhat robbing me of my optimism, I also really appreciate the fact that now I'm going in with no expectations.

So many times, I've been told "This will work. Just do it." 
And I've done it, only to find that I was the exception. It didn't work for me and it wasn't going to.
This time, I don't think I'm going to wake up and feel better. I don't think that the pain will be gone. I just expect to have more answers. More of an idea of what my future looks like in terms of pain, health, and motherhood. And I'm looking forward to answers, even if they aren't good ones.

I'm so thankful that every time I've felt discouraged, someone has reached out to me with the exact thing I needed to hear. My boss and my coworkers have been more encouraging, understanding, and supportive than I ever could have expected them to be. My pre-schoolers have been saying prayers and giving me gentle hugs. My family has been so accommodating and full of love. I'm so thankful, really.

But if I could covet your prayers just one more time...
I'd love good news tomorrow. I'd love relief from my pain in the future. I'd love a calm heart before the surgery.

Thank you so much for being my outlet for thoughts like these.

It's nice to write and be heard.
Love and blessings to you.
xo

28 comments:

  1. Sending prayers to you from Belgium!

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    1. Belgium?! Wow! Unbelievable to have prayers from across the globe! Thank you so much!

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    1. Thank you so much! Feeling blessed!

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  3. Oh gosh. I hope you get some answers! I'll for sure be praying for you. Stay strong, Kelle. <3

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    1. Thanks, Crystal! So glad to finally have the answers I was waiting for!

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  4. Sending you love, good vibes, healing wishes and lots of prayers dear!

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    1. I felt all of them - they worked wonders! Thank you!

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  5. Good luck my dear. My thoughts are with you and hoping for some good news.
    http://myfroley.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you so much. Excited to have good news to share!

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  6. I hear your words so clear. I'll be sending you happy, peaceful vibes!

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    1. I so appreciate it - I felt every one of them! :)

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  7. Can you feel my hug? Can you hear my prayer? Hold fast to the One who loves you the most. He is going before you, sweetheart.

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    1. I feel them both and am so thankful for your encouragement! Thank you!

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  8. I hope everything goes well Kelle!!!!! <33333.

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    1. Thank you, Rachel! You're so sweet.

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  9. Hey Kelle, I know the nerves have gotten you scared and hopeful but know that there are a lot of people who love you and pray for you not only during times like these, but all the time. I pray for your health and happiness tomorrow and always. Please get better soon. Sending all my wishes, prayers, and love from Africa! <3

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    1. Thank you so much, D! Blessed to have love and prayers from around the globe.

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  10. The "Why?" question is the hardest to deal with. I figure that's where God is shaping us, preparing us, even locating us in places he needs us to be to do His will. I know your parents pretty well, mostly from times past. But it's a fact that just the thought of them, though we may not speak for months, inspires me, gives me hope, simply makes me smile. After only speaking with you briefly maybe twice in my life, I instantly saw the best of your parents in you. Through this difficult and painful ordeal, hold in your heart that you are influencing and inspiring many with your faith, with the hope that's in you, and simply with just your smile. I'm praying for you.

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    1. You are so right about God using our difficult situations to prepare us for what he needs us for. That was absolutely my conviction through this experience and I'm so glad to have been reminded of that by you and the other sweet people in my life. Thank you very much for your kind words and prayers!

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  11. Hi Kelle, We have only met a few times but I don't have a memory of a time that I didn't know your parents, aunts, uncles and grandparents. (they all rock, by the way) I too have suffered with endometriosis for many many years. I read your awareness post and it rang true to me in so many ways. One of my worst experiences involved passing out in a public restroom and being taken to the hospital in an ambulance to be treated for shock caused by the pain of endometriosis. and even after that and years of pain and problems, none of my doctors ever said that word... not until I couldn't get pregnant. I want to tell you a happy story, though... a hopeful story. We tried to start our family for 1 1/2 years when it became clear we would need some medical intervention. we prayed and worried and explored adoption and finally that little stick showed me a plus sign... just 5 days before our first fertility appointment. I really feel it truly was a miracle and I know that there is power in prayer. Now I have three beautiful kids that I gave birth to myself. AND, it's the most effective treatment for endometriosis I have ever found. Not that i am suggesting the treatment for you at this juncture in your young unmarried life... but have hope for the future. "For God hath not given us the sprit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

    Love and prayers for you and your family
    Katie DiCaro (aka the flower girl)

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    1. Katie, it's always so instantly bonding to hear stories like this from other women, so even though we've only met a handful of times, I totally feel like we're friends. :) Thank you for sharing part of your story with me and for giving me so much hope and encouragement. I'm so glad you were able to get through the difficult times and be blessed with your children. I absolutely have a renewed optimism for the future. Thank you again for your prayers and kindness.

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  12. Shine, shine, shine, Kelle! Keep on fighting and shinning until the very last second, until the fat lady sings. Fight smiling, for your loved ones, because your life is beautiful and you are made of stars. Every second is an unexpected gift, every joy must be treasured and defended. Forget any expectation, fight because you must. Fight for all that you already have. Do not give up. Many people care. Even far, across the ocean, I care. As the french say: Courage!

    PS: I'm nobody to ask you anything but here it goes nonetheless: When in pain, I want you to remember something that makes you truly happy, one instant you love. Focus on it, taste it and... deep from you're heart, smile. You'll make me happy if you do.

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    1. Thank you so much, Andres. You have the most beautiful way with words! I so appreciate your kindness and absolutely have found things to smile about through this ordeal. Thank you for reminding me to focus on the good!

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